About me and CPTSD

 Let me start be telling you a bit about me. I'm 52 years old, married for 30 years this August. I have 3 children and 2 dogs. I grew up in the 70s and 80s in Huntington Beach, California. I had 3 brothers, 2 older and 1 younger. My parents divorced when I was 5. My maternal grandparents played a huge role in our upbringing. Fraternal grandfather passed when I was 4 or 5 and my fraternal grandmother was made up of the 2 B's... Beautiful and a Bitch!! 

We lived in a very nice area in the crappiest house you could find. Our front lawn was so tall you could lose a pony. We had a septic tank that always overflowed about 20 from my brothers bedroom window. The house was infested with mice and flees. After my parents divorce my mom list interest in us, specifically my oldest brother and me. To be honest she lost interest in life but as a child I had no idea. I thought everyone lived with dog poop all over their house and ate Hungryman TV dinners. I think the house and yard didn't fall into filth and disrepair until I was in 1st grade because I do remember playing on the swing set that was by the septic tank before the divorce. I also remember my mom making me lunch before I went to kindergarten and eating dinner at the table together. Those were some of the normal family memories I have but the sad for outweighs the happy.

Because of the trauma I went through as a child, which is very insignificant compared to so many others, I found myself pushing others away throughout my life. If anyone got to close, I ran! I became very controlling in some friendships as far back as I can remember and in others I was a huge pushover, a people pleaser. This has carried on throughout my life. I've had friends, very dear friends, but as soon as I feel they are going to hurt my emotionally or leave me, in my irrational mind, I have to step away from them. I stop answering phone calls and heavens forbid I should answer the door and see them face to face.  Thats the boogie man right there! He'll no!!! Irrational brain starts playing over and over again that they are going to leave or start to say mean things to me so I have to get away while I still can, before I'm hurt again.  Or irrational brain starts telling me I'm not good enough for them, they're going to figure out I'm a bad person, a fraud. Damn I hate my irrational brain!! 

Even though I realized when I was about 20 that I push people away I never understood why or felt that it was a problem. Over the years I tried many times to stop myself from pushing people away but I found I was doing it subconsciously. I gave myself the same excuse my dad gave himself, " Time would just get away from me and before I realized it it had been so long that I was too embarrassed to pick up the phone." Telling myself this seems to make sense, I mean if it was good enough for my dad it was good enough for me right? We'll get into that crazy logic when we talk about him.  

So that's me in a nutshell, 52, divorced parents, grew up in a filthy house with 3 brothers (in the only girl.) Married for 30 years and have 3 kids.Yep that's me! All of which was the beginning of CPTSD! A diagnosis I received 3 years ago and I'm just now processing. Uuuhhhggg!!!

Let's get this crap in paper... well you know what I mean! 

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