Time to begin to heal

 Here I sit, well lay actually. It's 2:22 a.m. on a Saturday night and once again sleep escapes me. I've chosen to write this blog as a place to put my trauma from the last 52 year rather than allow it to keep space in my soul. I don't know if things will come out in chronological order or just as I feel the need to set them free. 

I want to work through my CPTSD!! In many ways I'm afraid to begin this process because I don't know who I am without my trauma. Don't get me wrong, I know that by writing about it the pain won't magically go away. But my unicorn friend told me the brilliant fairies will do their best throw glitter dusy on each and every trauma event to try and make them go away! Just kidding I know unicorns aren't real!! What I do hope to achieve by taking the things that have hurt me so much over my lifetime is a place to live, a place that I can come back to and read over and over until it feels like some fictional story and I can begin to break the pain down, realize, that the traumas I've been through aren't because I deserved it or because God or whatever greater power that I hope to discover during this hates me or that it's because I was the fat kid or the dirty smelly kid or that I had a diaper face (we'll talk about that later.) I hope that through this process I can finally help myself come to the realization that the trauma others inflicted on me was simply a flaw or pain within themselves and had nothing to do with me. 

I know that regardless of what so many have told me or made me believe, I am intelligent, beautiful, funny, caring, loving and most important I deserve to be loved. Despite being able to write these things down, I simply don't believe them at all.