Trauma-ma

 I can remember when I was still in the crib. I remember the way the room lite up from the sun. It must have been spring or summer, which would have put me between 5-8 months old. There was a soft pink glow in the room. I know it was my parents room.  I remember my mom sitting on her side of the bed which was across the room and feeling like she didn't see me. I know I was crying and wanting to be close to her.  My dad suddenly picks me up and sits down in a dark green chair in the room right by the crib. I felt loved. My dad started talking very loud but not yelling and my mom started screaming at him. Soon she walked out of the room slamming the door behind her.  My dad got up put me back in the crib and left as well.  I was crying and for the first time in my life I felt fear.  That was the first of many fights I would witness between my parents. My next memory was being in my mom's arms again in my parents room.  She was looking at me and told me she wished she hadn't h

 Let me start be telling you a bit about me. I'm 52 years old, married for 30 years this August. I have 3 children and 2 dogs. I grew up in the 70s and 80s in Huntington Beach, California. I had 3 brothers, 2 older and 1 younger. My parents divorced when I was 5. My maternal grandparents played a huge role in our upbringing. Fraternal grandfather passed when I was 4 or 5 and my fraternal grandmother was made up of the 2 B's... Beautiful and a Bitch!!  We lived in a very nice area in the crappiest house you could find. Our front lawn was so tall you could lose a pony. We had a septic tank that always overflowed about 20 from my brothers bedroom window. The house was infested with mice and flees. After my parents divorce my mom list interest in us, specifically my oldest brother and me. To be honest she lost interest in life but as a child I had no idea. I thought everyone lived with dog poop all over their house and ate Hungryman TV dinners. I think the house and yard didn't

 Here I sit, well lay actually. It's 2:22 a.m. on a Saturday night and once again sleep escapes me. I've chosen to write this blog as a place to put my trauma from the last 52 year rather than allow it to keep space in my soul. I don't know if things will come out in chronological order or just as I feel the need to set them free.  I want to work through my CPTSD!! In many ways I'm afraid to begin this process because I don't know who I am without my trauma. Don't get me wrong, I know that by writing about it the pain won't magically go away. But my unicorn friend told me the brilliant fairies will do their best throw glitter dusy on each and every trauma event to try and make them go away! Just kidding I know unicorns aren't real!! What I do hope to achieve by taking the things that have hurt me so much over my lifetime is a place to live, a place that I can come back to and read over and over until it feels like some fictional story and I can begin to